One year ago...

I have debated writing this post....wasn't sure if I was ready... wasn't sure I wanted it all out there.... but the more I have thought about it and the more I have talked about it I have realized its easier when people know.

One year ago might have been the worst days of my life.  Lets go back a few weeks....

In late March 2014,  we found out we were expecting!  I was so excited to finally be pregnant and growing our family.  I had wanted and prayed for this baby for almost a year, Life was good.

I already had an appointment scheduled with my OB for other reason, so I went to the doctor just 2 days after finding out we were pregnant.  Obviously, it was too early to see anything, but they did some lab work to confirm the pregnancy.  The labs were on the low end so I was started on progesterone and had labs repeated several times.  Everything was looking great.

Fast forward 2 weeks.... Molly and I had a wonderful day at the zoo with friends.  That evening I felt campy and tired but didn't think too much of it... and then the bleeding started.  Okay...just a little bleeding.. and I had bleeding with Molly so nothing to stress about.  The next morning, I called the OB office and the wanted to see me.  Brandon was out of town for work, so I told my mom what was going on so she could keep Molly.  Off to the doctor.  The doctors appointment went okay.  The saw a gestational sac but that was it.  Based on my thoughts for dating everything measured right on track.  After talking with the doctor, she scheduled a followup for 1 week later.

over the next week I spotted on and off and had some significant cramping but nothing major.  once again, this was nothing compared to the issues with my pregnancy with Molly so I really didn't stress.  Brandon was out of town again for my follow up appointment so I went alone to the doctor...honestly I believed everything was fine.

then came the ultrasound....the sac had quit growing and was actually shrinking, there was a huge clot by the sac, there was no heartbeat or even really any further development.... I was having a miscarriage.  They ultrasound tech of course couldn't say too much, but I knew what it all meant....

She escorted me to wait in the doctors office instead of the waiting area... and there I sat.... and it all sunk in. The doctor came in rather quickly and told me the horrible news.  She was so compassionate and caring.  It was not my regular OB, but that didn't matter.  She treated me as though we were close friends.

After a somewhat lengthy discussion over what was going on in my body and the options, I decided on a d & c, as she felt I would probably end up needing one anyways since the process had already been going on so long and wasn't really progressing. I was very thankful she was able to schedule it for first thing the next morning.

I am so thankful for my mom who was able to be there for me during the procedure. So thankful for my wonderful sister and brother in law who rearranged their lives to help me with Molly.and so thankful for Brandon who let me cry on his shoulder when he finally was able to get home and let me be sad and angry and whatever other emotions I needed to go through.

I know that God had a plan in having me go through this....I may never completely understand.

I am so thankful for the precious gift we have in Scarlett... she is our sweet answer to many prayers.  I  can't imagine not having her.  I will always wonder about the baby we lost.... but I will always be thankful for the family we have.  There are so many emotions that flood my mind as I sit here holding my sweet Scarlett one year after losing our baby.  I am so thankful to have the support of friends that have gone through this terrible loss... while I wish it on no one, I am thankful to know others who have been there and can support me through the difficult moments.

 Knew You For A Moment

My Precious Little Baby,
Your face I've never seen,
Your skin I've never touched before,
Nor held you close to me.

You lived inside my body,
But only for a while;
Till Jesus softly whispered,
"Come home my little child."

You must have been a special child;
If God needed you up there,
Because heaven is a better home,
It's beauty can't compare.

So till I get to heaven,
And see your shining face;
Jesus will take care of you,
And love you in my place.

Yes, Jesus loves His little lambs,
They sit around His throne;
So sit on Jesus' lap dear child-
Till Mommy gets called home.

~Author Unknown